The Top 5 things Apple should do with its $100 million
After a rigorous analysis, I’ve come to the no-doubt controversial conclusion that Apple has just come out of one of the best fiscal quarters the company has ever seen. And after an even more careful process of revenue benchmarking, asset analysis, risk management, Vegas odds-making, Buffalo hide tanning, and some alone time in my remote mountain cabin, I’ve also arrived upon the exact figure that Apple has in-the-bank-right-now:
That is one helluvalotta Quiche Lorraine. So much so that it got our gears turning down here at Mud Mtn Ventures and we spent the afternoon brainstorming what Apple should do with this liquid fortune. Here are some of our top thoughts:
Buy Adobe and Promptly Shut Flash Down
If Papa Steve is looking down from his iCloud at Timmy Cook and the gang, no move would make him happier. Rather than waging an expensive and ineffectual war against Adobe Flash, Apple should buy all of Adobe, shut down the Flash division, and the re-sell the rest of Adobe on eBay.
Bring Peace to the Middle East
Now that Apple is bigger than any oil company on Earth, they need to play the role, show Exon they’re here to stay, and participate in Middle East politics. More specifically, they should bribe the entire region into peace. The American government has been doing it for years (and failing), and it’s time pass the torch to the private sector. Not only would finally imbue the company with a little ethical goodwill but it would also be their first play as a nation state. With Apple’s penchant for dictatorial control and secrecy, we have a feeling the Infinite Loopers will get along just fine in the region.
Give Away Free Milkshakes in all Apple Stores
It’s not a secret that Apple has trouble getting people into their stores. They need a gimmick to up the foot traffic and who doesn’t like Milkshakes? They can come in two flavours — vanilla (white) and chocolate (black). Boom, serve them at the Genius “Milkshake” Bar and you’ll finally have lines around the corner. Take that Windows Store!
Acquire MG Siegler
Every company needs a human mascot, and for Apple, none could be better than MG Siegler. I mean, if this guy isn’t already on Apple’s payroll, I’d be surprised, but it’s time for them to cut with the flirting, buy him, and make the partnership permanent. 95% of anything that comes out of MG’s mouth is already Apple praise, so now it’s time to nab that last 5%.
Retail Partnerships with Yum! Brands
Apple has made some amazing strides in expanding their retail offerings and in a lot of ways has redefined retail itself. But its time they start thinking bigger. By developing a deep partnership with Yum! Brands, Apple too can get in on the retail action with fast food juggernauts like combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut, combination Taco Bell/KFC, and the trifecta, combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/KFC. Apple would instantly “double down” on their investment in retail and reach levels of exposure that would leave customers saying “Yo Quiero Apple Bell.”