We Are the 0.1%. #OccupyMainStreet

If you watch as much network news as I do, you are likely as sick of these anarchist cry-babies as I am. Of course I am talking about all of this “Occupy Wall Street” nonsense that has been popping up around the world for the past few weeks. From the countless news stories to the infinite lists of #OWS tweets the 99% (as they call themselves) have been about as effective in getting their message across as a greasy Republican lobbyist at a black tie event. In other words (for those of you that don’t speak Beltwayese): pretty fucking effective.

So, here I am being kept up at night because the tyrants in the park outside of my six story brownstone are singing kumbaya and holding hands for wealth redistribution. Well I would like to set the record straight, to give the other side of the story.

The story of the 0.1%.

There has been a lot of talk pointed at the upper-upper class that we aren’t paying our fair share, even from the grand poobah himself, Mr. Buffet. That’s a load a crock. I’ve felt this recession just as much as Joe the Plumber and my walk-in-closet and bidet cleaning lady. Here are just a few examples:

1. I could only afford to go on a space vacation once this year

2. I had to switch my nightly therapeutic caviar face-masks to domestic roe.

3. I had to fire one of my six lawyers that cover my post-affair legal matters.

4. The kitchen staff at my unoccupied estate in Florida had to leave the U.S. because they couldn’t afford the cost of living.

5. I had to buy the wifi only iPad 2 (rather than the 3G) for each bathroom in my nine homes.

This brings me to a broader point about the so-called 99%. There’s something pretty immature about blaming other people for your situation in life. I got where I am because of the family I was born into and that I went to Yale. Big fucking deal — I don’t care that you think life is “unfair.” Get off my damn sidewalk and get a job. I’ve got a room full of Waterford crystal sculptures that aren’t going to polish themselves.

Starting today we need to stand up for ourselves. Let’s #OccupyMainStreet and be recognized. We are the 0.1% and we’ve had enough of carrying your dead weight for too long.